A Letter From a Parent (Coach) to a Coach in Six Songs

Tony Holler, Stan Reddel, and Jim Hedman are among the older coaches that I have worked with that warned me.  The toughest aspect of being a parent would be to watch my children go through youth sports. They were right. I mistakenly thought my children would be lucky enough to have coaches like I had all throughout my career. People who helped me to love my sport and be excited about having the opportunity to play.

Unfortunately, as my children have aged, they have seemed to lose most of their interest in sports. It wasn’t from lack of success or playing time. They had plenty of both. Unfortunately, most of it was due to poor coaches. My kids have endured the all too common “dad-coach” who is there to promote their own kid. One example is the dad who designed an entire offense around his son. If something went wrong, it was another kid’s fault. Another example was the “big-timer” who told parents he loved all the kids like they were his own. However, Mr. Big Timer couldn’t even remember the names of most of his players. How about comical temper tantrums?  Once a coach developed a limp after he threw his clipboard. He said it would bring on his ass-kicking leg. Great for 6th grade football! My daughter had to wear a cup to play baseball (they obviously wanted her to give up her All-Star baseball status and go to softball). She once had a softball coach who videoed pitches, handed my daughter the camera and said,  “here, figure it out.”

As my kids moved onto high school, nothing much changed. My daughter deals with daily verbal abuse, strange punishments, and some occasional body-shaming. One coach had a different set of rules for each group of players on a team.

While I am fighting not to be “that parent,” and all the baggage that comes with the label, I thought I would give a list of things we should expect from a coach. These expectations come from the angle of a 30-year coach, not “that parent.” As a coach, I know how it feels when things go bad. To counter those bad feelings, I have a song that helps me down a better path toward our common goal. When I get to that place, these are the songs which help me.

 

“Cheer Down” – George Harrison

“There’s no tears to be shed
I’m gonna love you instead
I want you around, cheer down.” – George Harrison

Don’t knock your players, they are the only ones you have.

I’m not against stern coaching, nor am I against coaches who are disciplinarians or talk directly to their players. Too many coaches resort to name-calling, fear, and embarrassment to try to motivate their players. The coach has to remember these are your players, the only ones you have. You better treat them well or they will not play well. Telling someone he or she “sucks” consistently will lead the athlete to thinking just that. Telling your athletes they are “stupid” will cause them to believe they are stupid. Those who don’t agree with you will start to question everything you say. Those who question everything you say will infect others on the team. Even if your words were not meant in a literal fashion, the result will never be positive. If you don’t bond with your players and use anger and frustration as a coaching tool, your team will certainly bond… against you.  

To build team chemistry, try some of these tips I have picked-up along the way. Try to say each player’s name at least once in a practice. At York HS, most of the 200 athletes on the track team had a nickname. Publicly recognize them in a positive fashion. I love telling kids they are one step closer to their goal. To take that one step further, you could give each athlete one thing that they can work on to improve.

Today’s kids have grown up in a world that values self-esteem. They crave constructive coaching tips. Going one step further, I like to give my athletes homework – stuff they can do on their own to improve. Coaches need to build a bond with the athlete. Let them know the two of you are on a journey, together. Success is shared. Failure is shared.

In track and field, this is easy. It’s easy to give kids tips and suggest exercises which will lead to success. If a kid’s feet need work, I give exercises to work on the big toe or ankles which can be done during class. I teach kids work on their RPR breathing just prior to taking a test.

Everything is about “the journey” and “together”.

 

“Put it There” – Paul McCartney

“Give me your hand I’d like to shake it 
I want to show you I’m your friend. 
You’ll understand if I can make it clear 
Its all that matters in the end.” – Paul McCartney

In this world of social media, where there is a constant fear of failure and the judgement that follows, most athletes have few fans, whether it’s real or perceived. We need to be one of their fans. Die-hard fans. Most athletes know what they did wrong. Sometimes it is painfully obvious. They don’t need another person to jump on them. Mistakes can be a great learning opportunity, but if the athlete is defensive, there is no way they can learn. A mistake is ultimately on the coach because we did not prepare them properly for the situation.

I usually start the conversation that it was my fault and tell them what I need to do differently in practice so it doesn’t happen again. Sometimes this is difficult to swallow. I’ve had two state championship 4×200 m relays get disqualified for a bad exchange. Taking the pressure off the athlete will allow them to free their mind, so they can compete without fear. People tend to shy away from negative reinforcement. If an athlete’s focus is avoiding the negative consequences, how can they concentrate on playing freely? When we play with fear, our mind is not geared for optimal performance, but survival.

When bad things happen, preach amnesia. Start the conversation with a smile and give the athlete the option of dumping the memory and competing, or choosing the downward spiral. One of my 4×2 relays bounced back in the 4×4 and won a silver medal, despite being the 8-seed.

 

“Getting Better” – The Beatles
“Jacob’s Ladder” – Huey Lewis and the News

“It’s getting better all the time
Better, better, better
It’s getting better all the time
Better, better, better.” – Beatles

“Step by step, one by one
Higher and higher
Step by step, rung by rung.” – Huey Lewis

Break-up and build towards goals, even if they seem impossible. Or, “If you want something you have never had, you must be willing to do something you have never done.”

Every team starts out with big expectations, whether it’s a conference championship, a state championship, or maybe even just to win a few more games than the year before. Too many coaches use the same methods they’ve used every other year with the expectations of reaching a goal that they’ve never reached. Some coaches try to repeat everything they did when they had a good season many years ago.

What I learned in my years at York High School was how Stan Reddel and Joe Newton created a culture to get kids to believe. They taught kids to believe in themselves. They taught kids to believe they were capable of greatness.

First, they took their great champions and broke them down into a normal person. They did so by recording times from every practice. They created a practice history. They used the practice times of their champions as benchmarks for aspiring athletes. But more importantly, Stan Reddel and Joe Newton showed their kids how close they were to becoming a champion. They were on the right track. They were on the path to greatness.

Stan Reddel and Joe Newton didn’t just speak to the athlete, they talked about the athlete to the whole team. For example, they would announce athletes who ran the same practice times a state champion had run 6 years ago. This is how we use our 23 second runs. We show the athlete how close he is to achieving championship times. We even put some kind of marker out for the best runs ever. The visual of how close they are to a mark is an instant cue and motivator. There is nothing more powerful than the instant visual. It becomes a great motivator. Most athletes don’t lack motivation. They lack a target that they can hit.

A clever coach can apply this to just about any sport.  It can be applied to mistakes, penalties, big plays, or percentages. Added together, this can result in a near-perfect game. It almost becomes “Moneyball” toward reaching a goal. The real magic of a great coach is getting athletes to believe they can overcome the barriers to greatness. Great coaches make barriers seem lower.

 

“Nobody’s Fault but Mine” – Led Zeppelin or Robert Cray

“Oh, nobody’s fault but mine 
Nobody’s fault but mine
Trying to save my soul tonight 
Oh, it’s nobody’s fault but mine” – Led Zeppelin

“Nobody’s fault but mine
I made a big mistake, mistake
It’s nobody’s fault but mine!” – Robert Cray

“When you point one finger at your players and four point back at you.” 

I heard ex-Northwestern football coach Randy Walker use this phrase at a coaching clinic and it really changed the way I coached. Blaming your players for things not going well only adds to frustration on a team and will divide the coach from the players. I can’t think of a situation where my team or athletes purposely went out of their way to perform poorly. They want to do well too. Chances are there is a breakdown in communication somewhere along the line. What they interpreted from your instructions or drills is what comes out in their play. If you do the same drills day after day and there is no improvement, maybe it is time to change the drill. Narrow the focus of the drill. Make more specific targets. Put a number on perfect reps for the drill.  Or even change the name of the activity from a drill to something else. Athletes tend to take it down a notch when it’s just a drill. Measure it. Record, Rank, and Publish. I am sure you have heard that before. If you aren’t measuring, it doesn’t mean much. If they don’t have a target, they have nothing to hit.

 

“Hold on Loosely” – .38 Special

“Hold on Loosely, and don’t let go,
If you cling too tightly, you’re going to lose control
Your baby needs someone to believe
And a whole lot of space to breathe in” – .38 Speicial

I know it’s a song from 1981 about a relationship, but it can just as easily be a message for a coach and his team. Some coaches “cling too tightly”. Just watch their body language. It can range from the limp with the “ass-kicking leg”,  to the “folded arms”,  to “the look” they practice in the mirror every night. Body language is a powerful coaching cue and visible frustration will only act as a precursor to the varying punishments that may be coming in the near or distant future. Once your players have tasted the punishment sauce, they live in an environment of fear. The mindset will be one of avoiding mistakes rather than high performance. Fear is not a state of performance, it’s a state of survival. 

Some cues I focus on when things don’t go well is to always approach with a smile and show the palms of my hands. Showing your palms is a non-aggressive gesture that gives an immediate signal that all is good. Even a high-five initiated by the coach is an open gesture that starts the conversation in a positive place where athlete is more likely to be receptive of coaching. Remember, hands in pockets or clutching a clip board can be perceived as negative. To show what may have went wrong, actually move your body to show rather than use words. In high stress situations, body language is a more effective communicator than words, which sometimes may be construed as negative. A student’s definition of “getting yelled at” today is very different than it was 20-30 years ago. For some coaches, their default is to go back to the way they were coached.

If things get emotional, try to be above the drama. A coach’s job is to be the rudder and not the sail. We steer and let the emotions of the athlete push the ship. Too many sails and no rudder will capsize the ship.

Coaches should not use punishment to vent frustration. Pushing a wet towel across a gym floor for 15 minutes at the end of practice will not help a volleyball player improve their skills. Find something productive to improve on and save your frustration for Waste my Hate by Metallica, The Real Me by The Who, or anything from Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails.